Hi everyone! I realized I haven't been on for a while and I enjoy reading all of our updates. I think I stayed away for a while trying to pretend that I've "moved on" from cancer but that is very far from the truth. The truth is that worrying about cancer consumes me, to the point that I am in a severe depression. I go to bed at 7 pm just so I don't have to be awake and be depressed. We went to Colorado to see my new baby nephew for Christmas and all I could think about is I might not see him again before/if the cancer comes back. Living each day knowing you have a 50% chance of not being here in a year is very hard to do. I worry about so many things, like how my boys will make it through losing me, what kind of men will they grow up to be, will I even be here for their next bday, Christmas, etc. What will I say to them when I am in my final moments??? I wonder why I fought so hard and got remission only to live my days worrying about cancer taking me. I worry about dying alone. I suffered a lot of loss this year with both my health and my love life and I am so stuck. I wish I could turn this around in my head and feel grateful and excited to be here like many of you are able to do. This 50% just hovers over me like a black cloud. I am so very tired. Have any of you struggled with this???
I hate that you are going through this. Cancer sucks. Depression sucks. I know that when you are in the middle of depression it's hard to see anything other then doom and sadness. If you aren't seeing a therapist now I would recommend seeing someone soon! I've been there and seen first hand how dark it can be. From some of your previous posts and sounds like you have the support of your mom and kids. There are people that care about you. I wish I could do or say something that would make this all go away. I pray that 2017 is a better year!