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Janay's Cancer Blog

New meds

Hi all! 

Ive been seeing quite a few posts lately and I am glad we are all staying active on here. Thank you all for following me and your kind words. 

I saw my psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago to get help with my depression. She put me on a second med for my depression called Trileptal. This is an anti seizure med that is also commonly used as a "mood stabilizer". It seems to be helping me a bit. People at work have noticed I am more engaged and have been laughing.  My son says I seem less stressed, and best of all I have not been spending my weekends crying and focusing on death. I am no longer going to bed at 7 pm. I wouldn't say it has made everything magically disappear but it has at least brought me out that dark hole I was in.  I am grateful for that. 

I had my 6 month radiation follow up and everything seems to be ok there so I don't have to return for a year!  I do have my scan coming up in a few weeks though, and get results on March 7th. I have a bit of concern because I have been experiencing some body aching in my legs and arms so of course I jump to "has it spread"???  

I started a weekly tai chi class for cancer patients/survivors a couple of weeks ago. It is offered for free through the hospital where I go to therapy. It is interesting to see how tense I really am. I can really tell the difference after I go to class. I hope with time that my body and mind will be trained to relax a bit.

Ive had some realizations about Matt too. Now that I have had time away from him I realize how toxic he was to have in my life. He brought deception, betrayal, anger, jealousy, dishonesty, you name it. I allowed him to do that for 5 years!  I am working through figuring out why I allowed that in my life. For a while, I was so sad after our break up and almost took him back twice. Now though I realize it was just because I didn't want to be alone and that he really doesn't bring anything good to my life. I'm better off alone. I have enough to worry about already. I am not even looking to date anyone. I'm just trying to mentally get better for myself and my boys. 

I am trying to decide if I want to join a cancer support group or not. It meets once a month.  I would like to make some friends locally who can understand what we are going through and relate but at the same time I feel like maybe that is bringing too much cancer into my life. I go to a weekly cancer  therapist, now weekly tai chi for cancer patients, so I'm not sure if I will be on cancer overload. What do you all think? 

I hope you are all doing well and hanging in there. Each of our experiences are unique but I am grateful that we



Irene likes this post.
Sabina sent you a prayer.
Bill, Jennifer sent you a hug.
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I am so glad to hear that you are doing better. I have mixed emotions about the cancer support group in that it may be better to have some non-cancer friends in your life, but then on the flip side, they won't understand when you have an anxiety ridden day like cancer friends would. But on the other hand, if the support group just sits around and complains about having cancer and all the side effects, it might drag you back into the black hole that is cancer. Not sure what I would do, maybe try the support group if only to find friends that you can do things with that understand where you are. Whatever you do, I am sure you will figure it out. Sound like you are on a really good path now.
Janay likes this comment
I am glad you are going forward. I must say I suffer from the same losses. It's a struggle, and I think people don't understand how hard it is, when everyone in your family and friends abandons you after getting cancer(for different reasons).
I do think, just keep trying different things. You are very young, and have many options. Take your time, get invested with a cancer group.
I am going to one, but it's frustrating, because only once a month. We have no other connection, and they take up most of the time with relaxation. I like talking, getting to know and support, others.
I think like life, it just takes a fresh start, with people that have enough in common.
It sounds like you are single, now, which others don't understand the void: so be very, very kind to yourself, and follow your guts.
I should take my own advice.
Hugs Jean
Janay likes this comment
Wow! You seem in a much better place then you were when you last posted. I am so glad that you have been put on a medication that is helping. I think a lot of times we take care of our bodies but forget about our mental well being. I hope you get good results from your scan!
Janay likes this comment
Hi Janay, You sound wonderful. You truly have steered your life in a fine direction. Just keep on feeling the sunshine. Stop now and then and just listen to the birds singing. There is nothing in life they can't carry you away from. And they are always there and always willing. You're okay and doing great! Bill
Janay likes this comment
So glad to hear things are better. I must thank you for sharing this, I am struggling with the depression part. It really sounds as if seeking help on that level has been a step in the right direction to make life tolerable. I had a bad day today got into that dark place and the tears kept coming, so I let them. Now I am mentally zapped on top of physically, so Im not much good for anything right now. I have felt so bad after round one, last night I had convinced myself to halt treatment and live what life I have left. That's a cop out an easy way out, that's so NOT me. The least I could do is seek help, I could be just one new med away from living life and staying out of the dark place. I see my doctor Monday and will discuss this. I believe that everything happens for reason, today your life has touched mine, thank you for reminding me that I am not alone and my emotions are normal under the circumstances and that help is out there, all I have to do is ask for it. I don't know much about your relationship, the way you describe it is very toxic, you made the right decision to break away, you do not need nor deserve that in your life. I say that with confidence, as I have been with my husband for 40 years in July. I would not have made it this far without his positive and loving support. You have that with your boys. You are on the right track and now steering me in the right direction, for that I am eternally grateful. This is what I love about our BFAC family, one persons experience is another's saving grace. Good luck with your classes, maybe try the support group it may be just what you are looking for, if not you don't have to stay. God bless you!
Hi Ann! I'm so glad I was able to help by just sharing my story. I'd love to help you in any way I can. So many of us are focused on the treatment that our mental/emotional needs get pushed aside. Cancer is a "loss" we experience and we al grieve in different ways and at different times in the process. Please keep me posted on how you are doing, and do ask your doc for help! :)
Join the group. If it feels too much for you then you can stop. Research supports the benefits of group therapy Amount's cancer fighters showing a higher rate of survival for participants of a group vs. those who did not join one. I'm not trying to suggest that you are at risk of dying, I have no idea about your status at this time. I'm just trying to
Lint out that having a community of people you can speak to not only has emotional benefits, but physiological benefits as well.
Thanks Regina! I never thought about that aspect. I have a 50% survival rate so anything that can help is much appreciated. Thank you for mentioning this!
Happy birthday to you! I have been thinking about starting to see someone about the cancer side effects and how I feel about what it has done to my life. I am two and a half years post treatment. I do not have any friends who have had cancer. Except for the people on this blog. I hope you are well
Talking with someone definitely helps! It can feel so isolating not having someone to talk to who can relate. I am always willing to listen. If you're interested, message me and we can exchange numbers. Hang in there!
Hi Janay! I haven't been in here for so long, but just logged in and saw what you wrote. You sound like you are in such a better place overall, so happy to hear it! I say go to the support group, you may or may not like it, but you'll never know unless you go. Im so happy to hear you are moving forward and really focusing on what you want and need! If we learn anything from this journey, it is that life is short and we have to live each day and eliminate the toxins from our lives. Sending you a huge hug! Keep it up!!!
Thanks Irene! How are things going for you these days?
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I haven't forgotten......

Hi everyone!  I realized I haven't been on for a while and I enjoy reading all of our updates.  I think I stayed away for a while trying to pretend that I've "moved on" from cancer but that is very far from the truth.  The truth is that worrying about cancer consumes me, to the point that I am in a severe depression. I go to bed at 7 pm just so I don't have to be awake and be depressed. We went to Colorado to see my new baby nephew for Christmas and all I could think about is I might not see him again before/if the cancer comes back. Living each day knowing you have a 50% chance of not being here in a year is very hard to do. I worry about so many things, like how my boys will make it through losing me, what kind of men will they grow up to be, will I even be here for their next bday, Christmas, etc. What will I say to them when I am in my final moments???  I wonder why I fought so hard and got remission only to live my days worrying about cancer taking me. I worry about dying alone. I suffered a lot of loss this year with both my health and my love life and I am so stuck. I wish I could turn this around in my head and feel grateful and excited to be here like many of you are able to do. This 50% just hovers over me like a black cloud. I am so very tired. Have any of you struggled with this???




Gwenn, Mich sent you a hug.
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I have days when I struggle but not to this extent. Have you thought about seeing a therapist who might help you through this? Sending you hugs!!!
Thanks Kathee! Yes I do see a therapist that specializes in cancer patients but all I seem to do when I'm there is cry. I guess that's good though. She has me reading a book called the grief recovery handbook that she thinks may help me.
I hate to hear that she doesn't seem to be helping. Although crying/grieving is good for you, eventually you need to move past (not judging where you are, just sad that you are still struggling and not finding relief). My thoughts and prayers are with you. If there is ever anything I can do to help, please don't hesitate to ask.
Janay likes this comment
PS -- love your new picture 👍
Janay likes this comment
I hate that you are going through this. Cancer sucks. Depression sucks. I know that when you are in the middle of depression it's hard to see anything other then doom and sadness. If you aren't seeing a therapist now I would recommend seeing someone soon! I've been there and seen first hand how dark it can be. From some of your previous posts and sounds like you have the support of your mom and kids. There are people that care about you. I wish I could do or say something that would make this all go away. I pray that 2017 is a better year!
Thank you for the prayers! Yes I am seeing a therapist as well as taking depression/anxiety meds. I'm just stuck in this mental rut and it seems nothing is helping.
I'd also encourage you to see a therapist, and one that specializes in EMDR. This is a great therapy for trauma....past, present and future. Just google it and read about it. If you want more info just message me and I'll try to answer all of your questions.
I will definitely google that, thank you!
Hi sweetie, I totally get it! I have a 15% chance ofcrecurrence and I think that's high! I go thru the same thing, there's days where I don't think about it at all or at least I think I'm doing that. When in a reality, everything in my life has changed. It's a part of me everyday as I wake up still in my treatment and in constant joint pain! I curse this damn cancer! But then I switch gears, I have to or else I'll crumble! It's a mind game with myself, but it's what works for me. Bottom line, I've accepted the following, we are all going to die someday, but as a cancer patient, we are faced with our mortality in a daily basis. In the end, I choose to try to cherish each day coz the worrying doesn't change the outcome, whatever it may be for me down the road. It's taken me alit to get to that point and I still have my days don't get me wrong! But choose to see the positive in each day as that's all anyone really has. We have today! Sending you good vibes my friend, here's to 2017 being a much better year for us all! Hugs💕
I try to rationalize it as well and tell myself worrying won't change the outcome but for some reason my mind is not letting it go. I don't have one day where I don't cry. I just want the sadness to go away. I thought it would get better or easier over time but that does not seem to be the case for me. I'm glad that you are able to see some brightness in your days! :)
I do not struggle with this, so I cannot relate to your struggle. I can however send hugs and prayers. Do you exercise? Do you get enough sleep? Do you drink enough water? All of these things plus talking to someone they help.
Let's see....I do not exercise right now. That is something I will be working on at least twice a week after work. I so jot drink enough water, this has always been a challenge for me. Sleep, I get plenty, 10 hours a day because I go to bed at 7pm just to avoid being awake and being depressed. I do have a therapist as well as I take depression and anxiety meds. I know it is all in my mind but for some reason I haven't gained the mental strength to overcome this slump that I am in. Thank you for the prayers!
Lori likes this comment
Hey you... gee I really understand Janay, what your saying and it's so good your saying it outloud... you have every right to deal with this however you can.. I can't tell you how paranoid I have been of cancer coming back .. one day at a time is all I can say.. it gets easier as time goes on...keep trying different things to distract those thoughts.. I pray over in my mind when negative thoughts come in, I say the Lords prayer.. I always would give myself a break in between the scans but right before get crazy, which I still do.. it's 5 years yesterday was my last day of treatment.. I have stayed close here(BFAC) and have tried to pass on positiveness to all I written to. I have received the best support here, along with great doctors and nurses.. my family.. friends online .. but you know when your all alone in that space where you start getting scared.. just look at how far you have come..and find a place within yourself to place that fear.. put it in a folder and then get on with your day..time will help with this and you will get better at dealing with it... know you have kindred spirits in your struggle, you are not alone and we All are doing the best we can and that's all we can do.. stay close here on BFAC and take time to be happy.. you earned it.. big hugs and love and always prayers Sabina and Happy New Year XO!
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Vital Info


November 18, 2015

March 22, 1974

Cancer Fighter

Cancer Info

Breast Cancer

Triple Negative

October 8, 2015

Stage 2

over 6.1

Grade 3





Feeling alone

It is more common that I realized

Not scheduled until 2016. Double mastectomy and hysterectomy

Started chemo Oct 2015. Will be complete end of January 2016

To begin March 2016



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