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Janay's Cancer Blog

I haven't forgotten......

Hi everyone!  I realized I haven't been on for a while and I enjoy reading all of our updates.  I think I stayed away for a while trying to pretend that I've "moved on" from cancer but that is very far from the truth.  The truth is that worrying about cancer consumes me, to the point that I am in a severe depression. I go to bed at 7 pm just so I don't have to be awake and be depressed. We went to Colorado to see my new baby nephew for Christmas and all I could think about is I might not see him again before/if the cancer comes back. Living each day knowing you have a 50% chance of not being here in a year is very hard to do. I worry about so many things, like how my boys will make it through losing me, what kind of men will they grow up to be, will I even be here for their next bday, Christmas, etc. What will I say to them when I am in my final moments???  I wonder why I fought so hard and got remission only to live my days worrying about cancer taking me. I worry about dying alone. I suffered a lot of loss this year with both my health and my love life and I am so stuck. I wish I could turn this around in my head and feel grateful and excited to be here like many of you are able to do. This 50% just hovers over me like a black cloud. I am so very tired. Have any of you struggled with this???

 

 

 

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I have days when I struggle but not to this extent. Have you thought about seeing a therapist who might help you through this? Sending you hugs!!!
Thanks Kathee! Yes I do see a therapist that specializes in cancer patients but all I seem to do when I'm there is cry. I guess that's good though. She has me reading a book called the grief recovery handbook that she thinks may help me.
I hate to hear that she doesn't seem to be helping. Although crying/grieving is good for you, eventually you need to move past (not judging where you are, just sad that you are still struggling and not finding relief). My thoughts and prayers are with you. If there is ever anything I can do to help, please don't hesitate to ask.
HUGS!!!
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PS -- love your new picture 👍
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Janay,
I hate that you are going through this. Cancer sucks. Depression sucks. I know that when you are in the middle of depression it's hard to see anything other then doom and sadness. If you aren't seeing a therapist now I would recommend seeing someone soon! I've been there and seen first hand how dark it can be. From some of your previous posts and sounds like you have the support of your mom and kids. There are people that care about you. I wish I could do or say something that would make this all go away. I pray that 2017 is a better year!
Thank you for the prayers! Yes I am seeing a therapist as well as taking depression/anxiety meds. I'm just stuck in this mental rut and it seems nothing is helping.
I'd also encourage you to see a therapist, and one that specializes in EMDR. This is a great therapy for trauma....past, present and future. Just google it and read about it. If you want more info just message me and I'll try to answer all of your questions.
I will definitely google that, thank you!
Hi sweetie, I totally get it! I have a 15% chance ofcrecurrence and I think that's high! I go thru the same thing, there's days where I don't think about it at all or at least I think I'm doing that. When in a reality, everything in my life has changed. It's a part of me everyday as I wake up still in my treatment and in constant joint pain! I curse this damn cancer! But then I switch gears, I have to or else I'll crumble! It's a mind game with myself, but it's what works for me. Bottom line, I've accepted the following, we are all going to die someday, but as a cancer patient, we are faced with our mortality in a daily basis. In the end, I choose to try to cherish each day coz the worrying doesn't change the outcome, whatever it may be for me down the road. It's taken me alit to get to that point and I still have my days don't get me wrong! But choose to see the positive in each day as that's all anyone really has. We have today! Sending you good vibes my friend, here's to 2017 being a much better year for us all! Hugs💕
I try to rationalize it as well and tell myself worrying won't change the outcome but for some reason my mind is not letting it go. I don't have one day where I don't cry. I just want the sadness to go away. I thought it would get better or easier over time but that does not seem to be the case for me. I'm glad that you are able to see some brightness in your days! :)
I do not struggle with this, so I cannot relate to your struggle. I can however send hugs and prayers. Do you exercise? Do you get enough sleep? Do you drink enough water? All of these things plus talking to someone they help.
Let's see....I do not exercise right now. That is something I will be working on at least twice a week after work. I so jot drink enough water, this has always been a challenge for me. Sleep, I get plenty, 10 hours a day because I go to bed at 7pm just to avoid being awake and being depressed. I do have a therapist as well as I take depression and anxiety meds. I know it is all in my mind but for some reason I haven't gained the mental strength to overcome this slump that I am in. Thank you for the prayers!
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Hey you... gee I really understand Janay, what your saying and it's so good your saying it outloud... you have every right to deal with this however you can.. I can't tell you how paranoid I have been of cancer coming back .. one day at a time is all I can say.. it gets easier as time goes on...keep trying different things to distract those thoughts.. I pray over in my mind when negative thoughts come in, I say the Lords prayer.. I always would give myself a break in between the scans but right before get crazy, which I still do.. it's 5 years yesterday was my last day of treatment.. I have stayed close here(BFAC) and have tried to pass on positiveness to all I written to. I have received the best support here, along with great doctors and nurses.. my family.. friends online .. but you know when your all alone in that space where you start getting scared.. just look at how far you have come..and find a place within yourself to place that fear.. put it in a folder and then get on with your day..time will help with this and you will get better at dealing with it... know you have kindred spirits in your struggle, you are not alone and we All are doing the best we can and that's all we can do.. stay close here on BFAC and take time to be happy.. you earned it.. big hugs and love and always prayers Sabina and Happy New Year XO!
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It's been a while….

HI everyone!

It's been quite a while since I've posted.  Not because I haven't been thinking of you all, but because I have been facing a few battles.  This month is my year anniversary since diagnosis.

First,  Matt and I split up Septemeber 1st.  He was so angry all the time, I don't think he could handle my situation and he got aggressive so I was forced to have him leave the house.  This was our 2nd attempt, it just didn't work.  HIs last words to me were "Happy relapse.  I'll be thinking about you during your next chemo".  Hurtful words to say the least.  So I have been struggling with the idea of being alone for whatever time I have left.  If you rememeber, I have a 50% chance of survival over the next 18 months. I'm trying to focus on my time with my children, but I just feel that something is missing without a partner.  I am going to counseling to help me with this.

Also, I had been put on an additional medication back in June for depression and it had the opposite affect on me It sent me into a terrible depression and I was coming close to being sucidal.  They took me off this medication about 3 weeks ago and switched me to something else and I am doing much better!  It's amazing how medication can affect you.

I got a new job offer this week, 10k more a year and much better benefits!  This will help me alot.  I had been feeling stuck in a dead end job and that was making me worse.  I do have fears though, like my next scan is in two weeks.  What if it's bad and here I just started a new job?  I am trying to remain posiitve.

I am still in recovery mode.  I know they say it takes 6-12  months to fully recover and I am starting to accept this.  I was trying to be super mom.  Work full time, run all errands, clean, kids sports, socail events, the gym etc.  I ran myself down, badly.  I am learning to take it easy, Mom is helping out with the grocery shopping and household chores that take alot of energy (mopping, scrubbing baseboards, etc).  It is hard for me to accept help, I just want to be back to normal.  They say to learn to accept your "new normal", but I don't like it.

How are you all doing?  Sabina, Irene, Laren?  Hang in there Kathee, I love that you are still active on this site.  I forgot how therpaeutic it is to talk to you all.  I pray you all are doing well.  Keep fighing!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Sorry you're're having a rough time. I will pray for you and Matt.(He needs it too!)
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Sorry to hear that you reset with Matt didn't work out. I know you were hoping it would.

Congrats on the new job .. hopefully that will help aleviate some of the financial pressures you have been feeling.

Remember your are more than a statistic ... 50% is survival mean that half don't survive but half DO ... stay posivtive that you will be in the half that make it. Keep in mind, you may not have a partner but you are not alone ... you have your mom, your kids, and all of here. Even if the worst happens and the cancer comes back, we WILL NOT let you go through it alone.

Know what you mean about wanting to get back to normal ... I push myself too much often and then pay for it. I too am trying to adjust to the new normal.

Keep checking in, I miss hearing from you 😎
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Janay, tight hug to you. I went in to total shock when my wife was found to have cancer. I still find it hard sometimes but she was fantastic and very positive throughout her treatment because she did not want me to worry. My wife and I are old school and during her treatment we started using hemp oil in our daily meal and juices. This helped her recover fast. Check out some documentaries and studies from Israel which have proven hemp oil is effective for cancer patients. We tried few and found Charlotte's web hemp oil effective for us. I suggest you to try with reputed brands and start using it in your daily diet. It’s a powerhouse of nutrition when it comes to healthy fats.
I am so sorry. I can't imagine how hard it will be to go through this without your helpmate. But I agree you need to concentrate on what makes you better and not have any negative energy in your life. Emsnana and I are doing well and dodging the arrows for now. And our kids are great. So life is good.
Hi Janay.. I know how it is to try to find your old self and be everything to everyone and try to find the resemblance of the the things you used to do and be. It takes time to heal, but it's so important for our mind to show ourselves we can still do what we want to do. It's taking back our power one day at a time. I can't imagine having children to take care of and get through all this, but I see it all the time and you are an amazing example of it. I am glad your Mom is supportive. My bf left me when I was going through treatment and it hurt but life went on and I found myself stronger than I thought I was. You will find somebody new when the time is right. Now is time to heal and find your path . your calling.. and you will .. oh I think he sucks for saying that to you... men can be so childish, so put it in perspective , and take his aggressive asinine way down the road and think about himself, that's the last thing you need. It also takes time to adjust to change and its good you have counseling too. Congrats on your new job and more money is always better.. Don't worry about the scan .. you are doing really well and feel positive and put your faith in God, he will get you through this. Stay close to the site when you can , it is a source of strength and who doesn't need that! I am happy your doing so well sweetie, I see all good things coming your way. Love you! hugs and always prayers Sabina
Janay, I guess I've been away a while too and I just saw your largest message. I too, am sorry things came apart with Matt. His last words were more than hurtful. Good riddance. Your situation is certainly trying, but your approach and attitude remain positive and dealing with items individually is best (compartmentalizing) Look after yourself, look after your children. And go one day at a time until you can tell all of us here that you just hit your FIRST 18 months!!
Hi Janay! I haven't been on the site for some time as life has gotten so hectic since going back to work. But I was happy to see you posting but sad to hear your news about your and your hubby. It's tough. A cancer diagnosis not only affects the person diagnosed but also everyone around them and some people can handle it others can't. Seems like there were issues before? Take it one day at a time (yes my new life motto), but not much of a choice. When you feel lonely, hug your kiddos, your mom, friends, heck even give yourself a pat on the back - you deserve it - you've had a hell of a year! Be kind to yourself and give yourself some slack, cry if you have to but then, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and think ahead. Your kids need you, you have a new job with more $$ and forget the 50% and think about living everyday and celebrating what is in your life each day. After all, that's all we can do, take each day and live it to it's fullest with no regrets! Thinking of you and sending you a huge virtual hug my friend!
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Vital Info

Posts

November 18, 2015

March 22, 1974

Cancer Fighter

Cancer Info

Breast Cancer

Triple Negative

October 8, 2015

Stage 2

over 6.1

Grade 3

Negative

Negative

No

Yes

Feeling alone

It is more common that I realized

Not scheduled until 2016. Double mastectomy and hysterectomy

Started chemo Oct 2015. Will be complete end of January 2016

To begin March 2016

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