Janay's Cancer Blog

Where do I belong?

Hi everyone!

We are now in year 2 living in Nebraska and alot has changed.  The boys' dad moved out here in January and it has been absolute torture.  He stayed with us for about a month when he first arrived and I had to have him thrown out by getting an order of protection on him.  He is not only an alcoholic but also now uses drugs. He was extremely verbally abusive (and still is).

He brought with him his 3 years sober girlfriend who then relapsed and had been in and out of the psychiatric facilities.  She attacked me in my own driveway.  Needless to say, lots of stress now.

Also new to the mix is my two teenagers being very disrespectful and defiant.  Some would say that it is normal for teens, but this is extreme.  Name calling, throwing chairs, etc.  We have started counseling to work through discipline and behaviors.

Remember why I moved to NE from AZ?  My sister and her family had moved here for her husband's job.  They will be the guardians of my boys if my cancer ever returns.  Well....his job changed plans and now they are moving back to AZ! So we will be here alone with no other family, and to be honest not many friends.  I do, of course have work friends, but it's not the same.  The two gals I have become friends with are pretty heavy drinkers, and I am trying to avoid that scene.

About one month ago, I had been drinking wine (ok an entire bottle) and had an argument with the boy's dad AGAIN, and I got so worked up.  I decided to take many (9) xanax.  My mentality was that I just wanted a break.  I wanted to sleep for a day or two.  I wanted some peace.  I planned on already being in bed before the boys returned from the football game, but they got home a bit early.  My son said he could not understand me and I was just sitting in the chair not moving.  He called 911, and I was taken to the ER.  At first they all assumed it was a suicide attempt, but later determined that I had a nervous breakdown.

You mean to tell me I dealt with going through cancer treatment and made it but am NOW having a breakdown!? In my first counseling session (before the breakdown), the counselor had asked me to name all the things that cause me stress or worry.  After each thing I named, he said "what else"?  I got to about #8, before I finally said "I guess my health".  He said I am shutting out my anxiety about my health but it is still there in the back of my mind and will still affect me and cause other things to be that much more stressful.  He may be right.  All I know is that I am not emotionally well right now.  I think about my sister and her kids leaving (by the way I also have a 5 month old niece), and I sit there and cry.  I cry at my desk, at home, in the car, etc.  My counselor feels we should return to AZ where our family will be.  

Here is my dilemna....Not sure if you all remember but my 17 year old is high functioning on the autism spectrum.  This year, he now has his drivers license, has been at his job for almost a year and a half, and graduates in May.  He does not want to move until after he graduates.  The thing is....my old employer will have a job opening in November and I could slide right back into that.  The position would be filled in May.  Sure, I could wait and try to find a job in AZ later then move, but as you know, it's pretty difficult to find employers that will entertian an out of state applicant due to interviewing limitations.

There are just so many things on my mind these days, and I feel very displaced.  Do any of you ever have the thought that cancer should just return because life after it is just so difficult?  I have heard it's a pretty normal thought, but I don't like it.  NOT ONE BIT.

I pray that you are all doing well.  I'd love to hear from you.

Janay

Sandy, Sandy threw a punch at your cancer.
Sandy, Becky sent you a prayer.
Sandy, Olga sent you a hug.
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I know you need to do what is best for your son. But you also need to do what is best for you. As long as he has you being OK, he will be OK. I'm not sure if you are a praying woman, but if you pray about it and truly listen, the answers will come. Whatever is the easiest is usually the path we are intended to be on, in my experience. Sending you hugs, love, and prayers. My ex husband is bipolar and shows up at my house randomly screaming yelling hollering and getting the police involved. We have been divorced for 15 years. I am sorry you are having to go through this
Janay, Sandy like this comment
Thanks, Lori. I am trying to be patient and not make any rash decisions. I do pray, but I have had trouble finding my way back to church these days. I have been working two jobs since last October and hoping to leave the second job in a few weeks. I did attend a womens group through my church a few weeks ago, but they all had very young children and I think I am at a different place in life. Just trying to find my way out here....
Lori likes this comment
God hears you when you pray even if you aren't in church ...lol
Janay likes this comment
SORRY FOR YOUR MANY PROBLEMS. GOD BLESS U.
Lori, Janay like this comment
Teenagers are so hard!! Thank goodness my kids are grown now. I couldn’t handle them if I had cancer like I do now. Take care of yourself. Sending hugs and prayers!!!
Janay likes this comment
I think you should do what YOU you want to do. As far as kids, I was never a Mother to a human child so I can't give an opinion on that. I don't know if it's wise to follow your sister and her hubs because he could be transferred AGAIN, even after the move back to AZ. Though it was probably good for you to move to NE for a change of scenery and to "get away". But you were too nice to the ex😕. Water under the bridge now though. Regret nothing and go from here. Go. And don't stop until you feel comfortable with where you're at. God bless the situation with your boys. Be well, and above all, don't worry about something that may never happen. Blessings. (PS: you can pray anywhere, doesn't even need to be formal prayer. I've been praying from the same book for decades. But sometimes when I get up in the morning I just talk to Him, like you talk to your family member or friend).
Janay likes this comment
Yes I definitely agree on not following just my sister. My mother is also in AZ, and my friends, as I lived there for 20 years. :)
Marcia likes this comment
Yes and just remember that you don't have to live by someone to be close. I consider my cousin Janet the big sister I never had and she lives about an hour and one-half car ride away, but it doesn't matter. And may I add that you look devine and healthy 👍🏻.
Janay likes this comment
I kinda know what you feel. In 1980 I was told I had cancer & it had spreed thru my body.I came home 3 days later & "NO CANCER" (I PRAYED A LOT...I HAD 4 VERY YOUNG CHILDREN...& I was not going to leave them!!! THANK YOU GOD. tHEN 20 YRS LATER (2000) the same thing. I turned 80 years young in Aug. AND YES WE ALWAYS WONDER WHEN THAT CANCER GUY COMES BACK!! I can only hope & pray that the third will NOT be my last. Only thing I can say is my children ARE my life. Think long about that job. Good luck & remember God IS THERE.
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Nebraska "The Good Life"

Hello everyone!

When entering the state, it says "Nebraska, the good life". I am actually loving it here.  I have been here for a month and the people are very nice.  I was able to find a job fairly quickly, and I start next week.  The boys are doing ok, the level of education in NE is much higher than it was in AZ, but they are improving.

I really enjoy seeing my nephew and sister everyday.  Having a 1 year old around sure does keep you on your toes!  That's the only thing I miss...being able to just hang out in my room and watch Netflix.  Not much down time around here lol.

I have an appointment next month with a local oncologist.  I hear she's the best in Omaha so we shall see.  I have already set myself and the boys up with Primary Care Physicians so things are really coming along.

I have been on 3 dates since I've been here.  Two of them were nice men, just didn't feel attracted to them.  The last one has potential so I'll keep you all updated.  :)

I don't see many posts from you all these days.  I pray all is well.  Hugs to you, Laren.  You have been in my prayers often!

Anybody hear from Irene at all?

Kh I hope things are well with you.

Tammy I hope the wedding was great!

Sabina???  I miss hearing from you.

Hi Sandy!

Hugs to all of you!

Jeanette

 

 

Lori likes this post.
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Are you married yet? It's been a year! Happy Birthday!
Lol not even close! I have found that since I had Cancer, I am
Less willlig to put up with bs from men. More respect for myself these days. I’m actually pretty content being aione. I do sometimes get lonely and wish for a partner, but those moments pass quickly haha.
Easterly likes this comment
Happy birthday week!
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Vital Info

Posts

November 18, 2015

Nebraska

March 22, 1974

Cancer Info

Breast Cancer

Triple Negative

October 8, 2015

Stage 2

over 6.1

Grade 3

Negative

Negative

No

Yes

Feeling alone

It is more common that I realized

July 7, 2016

August 4, 2016

No

Not scheduled until 2016. Double mastectomy and hysterectomy

Stats

Posts: 26
Photos: 0
Events: 0
Supporters: 35
Friends: 31
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